Names I call my dog

None of these names are her real name but, nonetheless, I sometimes call her:

• Small


• Little wagger


• Pinkerton


• Stinkerton


• Monkey


• Pupaloo

No wonder she never comes back when I call her.

Road rage rage

Why do some drivers feel the need to tailgate, overtake on stupidly dangerous windy roads, race off the lights and generally push, bully and burn rubber just to get in front of you?

I can’t say I always drive with the sedate speed and good grace of a short-sighted pensioner, but think of it this way…

If you were about to walk through a doorway and another person was also approaching the same doorway from the same direction as you, would you race right up to them, barge straight past them through the door and then flick them the ‘v’?

I thought not.

Alt. Dict. Family matters

Sissues: problems you have with your sister

Broken: how well you know your brother

Dadmonishment: when your dad chips in to back your mother up when she is telling you off

Mumageddon: when both your mother AND your mother-in-law come to visit you at once

Petrified: how you feel when you contemplate the responsibility you are about to take on with the purchase of your first dog

It’s in the jeans

It’s 1981. I’m in Marks & Spencer with my mum – it was always Marks & Spencer – probably just at the end of my school summer holiday or sometime in early September, for a much-anticipated annual event. It is time …*dah dah daah* to buy the new pair of jeans that will see me through the next 12 months.

My brother is with us too, going through the same humiliation of our mother refusing to let us take up valuable space for adults in the changing room and making us try on said jeans on the shop floor whilst proclaiming loudly “now no one is looking at you, we all look the same, so stop being so silly”, which merely served to increase our embarrassment.

And this is how it worked, every year until I was about 13. The summer-end trip to buy the jeans which would last us all year until the following summer when, our spindly ankles now poking cleanly out from beneath at least two inches of grown-out-of jeans hem, and our scabby, knobbly pre-teen knees jutting from ripped jeans leg, mum performed the final act of fashion frugality and cut down our too-short denims to make the shorts we would wear all summer until the grass-stained bums themselves gave way.

I particularly remember a beloved darkest blue pair with yellow stitching down the seams, but I also hold a nostalgia for the very fact of wearing something out, often to the very last shred. In this age of disposable fashion it’s not often that we can truly claim to have worn out an item of clothing these days. I say bring back the summer cut-offs. My dad knows what I mean. In his case, they never went away.

Birds of a feather

They flock to the same place every evening. Their numbers seem swelled slightly more each night but their tight formation remains the same, closely packed but all facing in the same direction, making no sound but that of the rustle of their synchronised movements. Then, one of them clicks a camera shutter; another whispers “here they come!” and the whole group gasps in awe at what has become a regular nightly sighting above my village of late – the duskly display of the roosting starlings.

Many of the watchers have their theories about what these petrol-sheened birds are doing as they dip and dive overhead in a vast Hitchcockian swarm: a pre-bedtime snack perhaps, or burning off some last minute energy before sleep. Another premise is that each bird maintains its position in the undulating cloud by merely keeping an eye on seven others which surround it. As a sparrow hawk occasionally patrols the swooping borders of their flock, some say their formation flying makes it harder for them to be attacked by predatory birds.

There are, perhaps, as may answers as there are birds, but with the beating of thousands of wings overhead conjuring up the sound of the tide running up and down a shingle beach (and the regular ‘spit spit’ noise of the birds’ nightly expellations blessing the cars and heads of the collected onlookers) it is easy to see why the collective noun for a group of starlings is a ‘murmuration’.

Goodbye to all fat

Apparently, people expected their January health kicks to last for 78 days on average, making today – March 18th – the day most people finally crack under the strain of their New Year’s resolutions and fall off the diet and fitness wagon.

But I say why have they punished themselves for even this long? Now, I am not a doctor but I think I could write a best-selling diet and fitness book with my fail-safe way to lose weight and get fit. The only problem is that it would be very short because the secret formula is only four words long: eat less, move more.

Take yesterday as an example. For reasons unbeknown to science, but mainly just because I wanted to, I ate – as well as my proper meals – a muffin, a slice of carrot cake and a mini chocolate roll. Oops! Without being a maths whiz – which is lucky because I definitely am not – even I know that all of that adds up to more than the balanced calorie intake for someone of my age, height and weight.

So what’s my solution? Well, number one is to say “what the hell” and not feel guilty, and number two is to eat sensibly and normally – perhaps even ‘under eat’ slightly – today. Oh, and move lots. I think that probably just about balances it all out.

No fads, no cabbage soup, no crash diets, no food elimination, no counting anything, no measuring and not much in the way of denial really. Just a bit of balance and a lack of guilt at sometimes having a bit more of an appetite.

Just one more thing. You may have noticed that this post is illustrated with a photograph of a gingerbread man – or, as they refer to it on the PC packaging, a ‘gingerbread character’ – and yes, I did buy it today for that very purpose. You may also be wondering if I am going to eat said gingerbread man today, given that this is supposed to be a day of ‘less’ to make up for yesterday’s day of ‘more’. The answer is, I don’t know. No gingerbread crumbs have passed my lips yet, but if I feel like dipping his head in a cup of tea and eating it later on I just will. No big deal; I’ll just see how it goes.

Banding together

Everyday we get our bundle of mail bunched up in at least a couple of those red rubber bands. After saving them for months it got me thinking: aside from making one huge red rubber band ball or bunching a load of other stuff together, what else could I do with them?

Here’s my list so far:

1) Opening jars. Slip the band around the rim of the lid and it gives you that extra bit of grip for jars and bottles that are tough to open.

2) Expanding waistlines. Loop a band through the button hole of your trousers or skirt and slip the end of the loop over the button to give you an extra, stretchy inch or so.

3) Wine bottle marker. To save you pulling every bottle out of your wine rack in order to see whether it’s one you want to open or one you want to save, wrap a band around the neck of all ‘special’ bottles that you want to keep for a special occasion, so you can instantly see that these are not the ones to pull out and pour into that chicken casserole you are making.

4) Marking other things. On the subject of bottles, if you are going on a picnic or simply like to keep a bottle of water in your car to sip from, but you have a cold and don’t want your partner or kids or anyone else to drink from your bottle, put a band round yours to differentiate it.

5) Non-slip sups. Still on the subject of drinking, if your children or older relatives have trouble gripping glasses or beakers for drinking, wrap a couple of bands around the glass to give extra grip.

6) Get a grip. Well-loved tennis racquets or even bicycle handlebars can easily have their grips refreshed by winding a few rubber bands around them.

7) Child safety. Write your name and telephone number in permanent marker on a wide rubber band and slip it round your child’s wrist when you go out with them, go to festivals or go on holiday – it’s be waterproof in the pool – so that if they get lost you can be contacted quickly.

8) Tie-dye. Use rubber bands rather than string to wrap around items you want to tie-dye. They are much easier to get on and off and don’t absorb any of the dye.

9) Sock pairers. If you have a mountain of same-coloured socks that have to go in the wash, pair them up using rubber bands beforehand so that you don’t have to sort them all out when they come out of the machine. Be sure not to wash at hotter than 40° though.

10) Pencil eraser. Wrap a band around the end of your pencil for an instant eraser.

11) Bookmark. Use a longer band to keep your diary open at the right page or mark your place in a book.